Being drunk is like being naked. You can’t hide, and you’re probably not trying very hard anyway.
Last night I made a post in which I said some very mean things about myself and the world I inhabit, and meant every word of it. It was dark and pessimistic. It laid bare core beliefs that I hold–not by choice; it just kinda happened that way. This is part of being human: we are shaped by our experiences and environment, our family and friends, and we develop whatever core beliefs we develop as a result of those situations.
I watched, over and over, as men and women fell in love, got married, grew to hate each other, and went through bitter, nasty divorces. I watched people cut each other out of their lives over all kinds of disagreements. I graduated high school and lost (or ended) contact with everyone I knew there. I’ve gradually cut out every friend and acquaintance, no matter how close we were, who were part of the church we shared for the first 24 years of my life. I came to believe that all relationships end, usually badly. So every bridge is lit by torches, and I’m always ready to set them ablaze.
More than that, I seek out relationships with built-in expiration dates. I pursue straight men. I sabotage relationships that were otherwise doing just fine. Every relationship must end; if it doesn’t, something is wrong. The worldview must be preserved.
The goal of the Good Ideas Bureau is to build a world that works for everyone. That starts with the individual: You make your world work for yourself, and once you’re there–the thinking goes–you realize that the only thing left that doesn’t work for you is that the world doesn’t work for everyone. So the external work arises as a natural progression of the internal work.
I’ve explained now one of my most damaging core beliefs. There are at least 5 such beliefs, which I enumerated last night in a public post which, this morning, I made private. (Alcohol makes you do strange things.)
Normally, at this point in the blog post, I’d explain how I solved my problem, became a better person, did something worth celebrating. This time, I’ve got nothing. I don’t know how to change my mind about this. I am still surrounded by acrimonious divorces and friendships that end over political disagreements.
If you’re reading this, you probably know how to contact me. If you have ideas or suggestions, I’m all ears, but I would appreciate it if you’d keep it to suggestions and ideas. Encouragement by itself frankly doesn’t mean much in the face of… this.
If the Good Ideas Bureau ever becomes something beyond just my fever dream, and if I’m a central figure in it, please don’t elevate me like I’ve got some kind of special insight. I’m no different from anyone else. Making my world work for me is going to take as much effort as it will for anyone else.