I’ve been complaining for a long time about the people who I blame for lying to us all, specifically, those who hold leadership positions–any kind of leadership positions–and spreading and promoting the lies about homosexuality, masturbation, pornography, the “institution of marriage,” etc.

I’m asking myself a new question since a couple of days ago. Is it possible that who I’m really angry at is myself, for having drunk the kool-aid they mixed for me for as long as I did? I don’t feel like that’s the case, but it seems like a logical explanation, and it does make a few things make sense.

I’m mostly writing this because this train of thought isn’t going much of anywhere between my ears–I feel very much that I’m not seeing the process all the way through. So I’m writing in an attempt to hold myself to account for this line of thought.

What would it mean if I were actually blaming myself for having believed the lies that the lying liars told? What would it mean about myself? What would it mean about them? What would it mean about the world? What if I made the whole thing up?

I carry a grudge against the people who drink the kool-aid because it hurts not just themselves, but others as well. I wish the Universe were structured such that a person could do whatever they want without hurting others, but it’s just not that way.

So I’ve been angry at the people who lied, angry at the people who believed them, and angry at the people who knew but did nothing.

What if I take responsibility that I’ve been in each of those categories?

What can I say about it? Well, it’s not a church.

But I started by calling it at church a few months ago.

I had the idea of transforming what it means for a church to be a church, all the way down to nothing, and starting over from scratch. I wondered what would arise in the clearing created by completely dismantling the idea of church.

I’ve been accumulating and organizing ideas for a few months about how it could work and why it would be better for people than whatever else is out there, and decided this morning that it’s time to start getting people together on it. I have probably an hour’s worth of material to present, maybe a little less, and once that’s done I’ll ask for people’s questions and ideas.

In a nutshell:
– A complete revamp of the concept of repentance, recovery, transformation or whatever else it’s known as
– People having a social gathering that makes a difference for them–leaves them better than when they came–better meaning that they are more the way they choose to be
– Participating in polyphonic music as an access to building a society of people who are of service to each other

And other exciting ideas.

My place. Sunday. 10:30 AM. Be my guest.

So long I have given as much as I could, I suppose, supposing that it would come back. The idea od community, as it was explained to me, is all for one and one for all. So I gave as much as I could.

I’m in a really tough place right now and I’ve got a lot of forces wanting to take. I guess it’s been this way for a while, I mean, I found so very many worthy causes and gave what I could to them, time, money, expertise, equipment, assistance, whatever I could, all the while hoping that community would step in and take care of me. So far that has failed pretty spectacularly. I am a better person and what good is it doing me? I can’t eat my own charity.

The Matrix is a cruel thing, always willing to take and rarely willing to give back. You’ve gotta do a damn good job convincing it that you’re worth taking care of, and every chance it gets, it will cut your wages and raise your cost of livin, ask for more and offer less.

My typing is poor because the machine I’m typing on was not made for blogging. The Matrix has not seen fit to offer me my usal accommodations despite the years I’ve put into its maintenance and upkeep. I have given all I can and I can give no more. If the world wants me to keep giving, then I need some back right now. I need to catch a break and I need it pronto.

Is it really as cool as I imagine, to belong to such a large and powerful organization, which will never ever ask you to repent of anything without first blaming a man for it?

Service Always and Only begins with Listening.